Boku no Hero Academia – 3.5

 

BHA Season 3
I predict there will be lots of punching and shouting.
  • Boring intro meant to cut animation costs is boring.
    • It’s not like we need a recap on Deku’s boilerplate motivations.
  • This opening has grown on me. Hard to believe Uverworld is still around.
    • Remember them in Bleach? You know, when it was good?
      • Approximately 13 billion years ago.
  • This is the gayest fight in BHA so far.
    • Complete with a money shot.
      • Oh, stop it, you were thinking it. It’s 2018. No one has an excuse to be that oblivious anymore, not even Japan.
        • Especially Japan.
  • “Delaware Detroit Smash.”
    • lolwat? What the fuck does that mean?
      • Do the Japanese know that Delaware and Detroit have, like, no relation to each other except for sheer alliteration?
        • (No, they don’t.)
  • Why is Facepalm still in this shitty bar? I swear he’s been here for fifty years.
    • Is the bar named “Expo?” It’s like where 90% of the exposition in this series takes place, that and Deku’s magically functioning abused cranium.
      • Who pays the bills for this place? Who keeps the lights on? Does Facepalm have a part-time job at Wendy’s downstairs?
        • Is that why he’s so pissed at everything?
    • Now he’s using an easy-to-animate RPG frame to describe this basic setup because last week’s episode inhaled the animation budget.
      • I wonder if Mr. Black Hole even knows what an RPG is.
        • “What the fuck is a simulation game?” -Mr. Black Hole
          • Who has been polishing the exact same glass for ten episodes now.
    • So, Facepalm plan involves spreading dissent in this superhuman society or whatever. Considering a lingering 20% of it is normies, who are at this point literal lesser beings compared to their superhuman counterparts, it’s amazing the society is intact to begin with.
      • Like, Deku’s non-Quirk life up until now suuuucked, and that was just high-school bullshit. I can only imagine how miserable life is for those adults who don’t have superpowers.
      • I don’t think anyone’s gonna listen to a guy with a hand in his face, though. It’d be really awkward.
      • His plan also involves the “Vanguard Action Squad of the League of Villains.”
        • Whose assignment is to….attack a bunch of random teenagers.
          • And this fits into the above Keikaku…how?
    • “It doesn’t matter if they succeed or fail.” -Facepalm
      • Um, dude? Yes, it does.
        • For example, if they fail absolutely miserably, then these kids won’t be scared of them.
          • Maybe you should consult the Heart of the Cards again.
    • Wait wait wait, why does Facepalm have a random picture of Bakugo?
      • I’m not sure what subtext I should infer from this.
    • “In a society bound by rules, we’re not the only ones being oppressed.” -Facepalm
      • lolwat?
        • That makes no sense.
          • Are you implying Bakugo is being oppressed? I’m pretty sure he’s as privileged a shithead as they come.
    • STOP TELLING US WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN THEIR NAMES IN THE PAST SEVEN DAYS.
      • Except for Facepalm.
        • And Mr. Blackhole.
          • And, like, all the villains.
            • And half the heroes.
              • Hmm.
    • Deku protests he’s fine right after almost passing out on his feet with blood pouring down his face.
      • Deku might be mistaken.
    • Don’t worry, Deku. The obligatory Shounen power-ups will take care of this situation juuuuuuuuuuust fine.
    • “I’ll leave this villain here for now.” -Deku, a moron
      • THERE’S NO WAY ANY OF THESE TWENTY ASSUMPTIONS WILL PROVE MISPLACED.
    • How incredibly convenient Kota’s Quirk is exactly what they need to deal with a forest fire.
      • Later Kota will grow up to be a mobile fire-hose or pressure-washer.
        • He’ll die poor and forgotten.
          • YAY SUPERHERO SOCIETY.
    • Now we cut back to Eraser and this random asshole.
      • “Dabi.” Thanks, anime.
        • “This is about as much damage as I can take.” -Dabi, in case you forgot in the past second. Which I almost did.
          • So…you suck?
            • CONFIRMED IN THE NEXT SCENE.
              • BRILLIANT DEDUCTION, ME.
    • Is that Deadpool?
      • His name is “Twice.”
        • …………..
          • Is he bi? Is that his quirk? He can change his sexual orientation at will?
            • I assume there’s a better reason that’s his name.
              • Foolishly.
          • Oh, I guess he has two personalities.
            • …I was very wrong.
    • Wait wait wait, Eraser ran maybe 20 meters and he runs into Deku. So how did nobody hear or see his fight between him and Muscles, let alone help him?
    • Gotta say, these fights aren’t particularly exciting.
      • The Cat-Drag-Queen makes up for a bit, though.
        • “Cat Combat,” ha. You silly Asians and your Engrish.
    • Oh look, it’s Shredder.
      • Correction: a legally distinct Ninja Turtles Reference.
    • WAIT WHAT NOW DEKU’S HERE ARE THESE PEOPLE ALL TEN FEET FROM EACH OTHER
      • How much did they pay off Continuity this time?
    • Dabi is lamer than lame. I can’t even begin to care.
    • So, uh, exactly why do these kids whose profession is mortal combat need verbal permission to engage in mortal combat?
      • I’m pretty sure any court would understand the situation.
        • Also seems like something UA wouldn’t ever worry about.
          • But no, gotta manufacture tension somehow.
    • Good God, Kota. How dumb are you?
      • Sure, you’re a shithead kid, but it’s still pretty baffling how you just can’t wrap your head around the concept of a hero.
        • Oh hey, my commemorative Anvil from Anime Moralizing Inc. just came in the mail. What great timing.
          • I MUST SMASH SOMETHING WITH IT.
            • NOW KOTA UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A HERO.
              • DO YOU GET IT?
                • NO? MORE HAMMER TIME THEN.
    • Eraser, given how overpowered your Quirk is, you have about ten million things better to do than take eight hours to cover ground that Deku lept over in literally seconds.
    • Deku continues his habit of refusing to listen to the most basic advice.
      • JESUS CHRIST, DEKU, CALL HIM BY HIS NAME.
        • Ha ha, double entendre.
          • Bakugo and Deku, sittin’ in a tree.
    • Oh look, these villains are incompetent and uncoordinated.
      • Facepalm’s Master “Plan” is going swimmingly.
    • “THAT IS SHIGARAKI’S PERSONAL DESIRE” -Spinner
      • …did a robot write that?
        • Also, who’s “Shigaraki”?
    • OH MY GOD FINALLY SOMEONE DID SOMETHING SMART.
      • Catwoman punched that scene to death. You go, girl.
    • Now Bakugo’s being stupid. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
    • Generic-Eldritch-Man. Or whatever. I don’t care.
    • It’s a fucking wonder that Bakugo is even alive.
    • LOOOOOL HIS QUIRK IS COMICALLY EXTENDING HIS TEETH INTO GIANT BLADES?
      • AND HIS NAME IS “MOONFISH”?
        • HA HA HA HA.
          • THAT’S SO STUPID. HA HA HA HA HA HA.
            • THIS IS GREAT.
    • Oh yes, Todoroki, you A-list anime protagonists should be sooooooooooooooooo worried about a little forest fire. It’s not like you can leap skyscrapers in a single bound or anything.
    • Hey, uh, Todoroki. Since you both have combustion powers, why not just create an explosion that clears the area and disperses the gas?
      • Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
    • “I’m not stupid!” -some dumbass whose name I can’t remember
      • Boy, it would be nice if there were a caption to oh there it is.
    • Wait, Spinner and Big-Lips are up again? They both took blows to the fucking face.  What.
      • Ugggh.
        • The pacing in this arc is shitty so far.
    • Um, no. You run *away* from the epicenter of the gas, kids.
    • HOLY SHIT A GUN.
      • THERE ARE GUNS IN THIS UNIVERSE.
        • AND THEY’RE VISIBLE.
    • Woman. Might want to do something about Colonel Mustard here.
      • Also, this is why you don’t run toward the danger.
        • Now she’s lecturing this random asshole about using a gun like a smart person.
          • Well, that’s over. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
    • Yay, Falco’s back. Hooray!
      • Oh.
        • Oh.
          • Welp, they’re fucked.

What Comes

So Pakistan hit 50 Celsius on April 30.

It’s become something of a ritual for me to try to remind people around me that the world we know is fast coming to an end. Temperatures here in Germany have been well above average since spring came along, touching near 30 at one point over the past month. For sobering context, the average high in my area of Germany is 25 in July. Already we’re pushing past the temperature norms that have informed civilization for all its existence up to this point. There is far worse ahead. We’re in uncharted territory now, making history up as we go along.

Cherish those winters, children. They aren’t long for this world.

The Weight of Nerddom

I saw a Facebook Memory today that I haven’t been able to retrieve since losing it amidst the chaotic flow of algorithms, but to sum it up, it was about Star Wars, as is appropriate for May 4th. More precisely, it concerned my belief that Star Wars is a middling sci-fi franchise that made its contributions to culture thirty years ago and has offered little of substance or worth since. This spawned some rather productive conversations among my friends on not just the Star Wars franchise, but what it means to be a “nerd”. I took the tack that nerddom, as a whole, has been compromised by its success on the larger cultural stage, that it has by and large prostituted itself before general society in exchange for money, fame, power, and influence. In my view, that takes it out of the sphere of nerddom altogether. Others disagreed. Two years later, I still hold to this view with an even tighter grip, Infinity War creeping overhead.

I say this not to be some sort of cruel gatekeeper in the vein of Ready Player One‘s malefic, mediocre protagonist, but as a sort of gadfly to remind people of what the original conceit of nerddom was and how it has morphed over time. Nerddom has always carried with it a connotation of uncompromising confidence, a kind of shameless zeal towards a certain topic or topics that both commends and damns itself. From my view, a nerd is someone who loves things such as comic books and Star Wars in a passionate way regardless of the social consequences, although not in a way that excessively harms oneself or others, of course. One can be a nerd for just about anything, but the idea is that you’re willing to put up with the philistine fists of an ignorant bully for the sake of something you love, or perhaps mockery, shame, exclusion, etc., because the thing you care about is more important.

It’s been a recurring gripe of mine towards nerd culture in the past decade as it has ascended the heights of capitalism and reaped the rewards of longsuffering. Nerds are the hot demographic now, all their formerly embarrassing passions the very object of the System’s desire. Nerd culture is everyone, embedded in everything. I can’t go a literal three seconds without some sort of post or allusion to the MCU, Star Wars, or D&D. This, in itself, is not a bad thing, but it reflects a colossal change in the power dynamic that has governed this subculture until now. It follows that its nature would shift to respond to it.

I don’t see that shift as a good thing–certainly not a net positive. I heed some of Tolkien’s words: Reward on earth is more dangerous than punishment. It’s a good thing that nerds aren’t shoved into lockers as much for carrying around Marvel comics, that cosplayers have a safe, welcoming space to practice their careful art, that Star Wars is the thing that the host casually referenced on the local American radio station without any sort of stigma. In the grand scheme of things, though, these aren’t exactly fantastic achievements either. They come with some heavy costs, most of which are invisible or intangible. Nerd culture is starting to demonstrate more and more, well, excess than anything else. It’s becoming less and less comfortable for me to outright associate with it in a proud way. I hover more on the fringes, enjoying things as I can in as healthy a way I can manage, a balancing act that grows more difficult with time. It welcomes more, but feels less welcoming deeper down.

As an example, I go to Blizzcon every year to visit my guildmates who helped me through a lot of bad times, whose company I cherish and enjoy, but the con itself is just an excuse to plan that gathering. In my little group, we’re more like to make fun of those around us, to keep our interests within measured confines, to raise our eyebrows at the next new “epic” announcement from a giant corporation that likes money and spare no insult against those who bend the knee. Each Blizzcon for the past five years now, things get a little more whacky, the convention offerings get a little more shameful, dragging Whil Wheaton onto the stage to embarrass himself with bad comedy that drags on forever. Probably the most enjoyable event for us is the cosplay contest, but only the cosplay is fun and interesting. Everything else around it–the announcer, the judges, the way attendees behave–is a terrible joke that we all hate and love to hate on. We could never say that in public though, hashing this out while waiting in line to test out the latest build of Overwatch. People would not approve. We have to do it in the comfort of our own house, in our own little safe space away from the larger safe space.

Nerd culture has always danced with that particular flame of gluttony. Now the chains are weaker, allowing people to act out more freely. Their criteria for approval is less sheer knowledge and more a check for a certain kind of psychology and attitude. The MCU gets most of my public ire these days, mostly because it’s an easy target that keeps shoving itself into my field of view. It’s a simple fact of taste and a competent critical eye that Marvel movies are bad. They don’t suck, but they aren’t good. They’re passable action movies at best, easily forgettable in their prime form. That’s not the coverage or opinion you see in most media, though. The demographic must be appeased, lest nobody answer the journalist’s calls next time around. There’s an ironic, yet natural element of bullying to all this. Since they’ve had a taste of popularity and power, nerds (those in their lucky fiefs, that is) are less willing to tolerate someone just saying that. The New Yorker got crucified for pointing out Infinity War is weak, baffling without the heavy context of twenty other mediocre movies. It’s not like that’s an outlandish take on the matter. That’s exactly what IW was hyped as: come see this movie to see all your favorite Marvel superheroes IN ONE MOVIE!!!!!! What’s followed is a shameless offensive of mendacity that involves everyone pretending IW’s highly predictable cliffhanger (not ending) is something worth an ounce of thought. Point that out and, well, I guess you’re an asshole who hates nerds or just wants to yell. Ten or twenty years ago, that offensive might’ve proven less effective.

Look, nerds. I think it’s a bit wise to step back and wonder how you’re coming across. That’s healthy advice in real life; it’s healthy advice here too. At the moment we live in a happy bubble of success and spotlight, but these halcyon days will pass, in one form or another, and then we’ll have to live with the choices we’ve made as a subculture. Stranger Things Season 2 wasn’t as good as the first one. That will continue. As it is right now, I don’t like the choices we’re making. I don’t like that we’re treading a worn path of indulgence. I don’t like that we’ve become more willing to censor those who don’t fall in line. I don’t see nerddom as something to be proud of if it isn’t somehow brave. It’s not brave to like Infinity War or The Last Jedi. It’s not brave to dislike them either. It’s brave to think about them, to wonder what real value they have and what your passion is worth to you, and finally to follow those conclusions wherever they lead. It’s brave to love something, but knowing how to let it go when it starts to hurt you, no matter how much it stings.

May the 4th be with you.

Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 6

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together, stream-of-consciousness style.

SILLY.ZOMBIE-GIRLS
Code Geass’ viewer demographic.

Episode VI – Porn is the Mindkiller

  • Is this Japan? Is this the Land of the Rising Sun? Looks way too Greek to me, not that the writers would know.
  • Damn, that poor attendant had to walk, like, six zillion miles just to tell the Emperor one line of dialog.
    • “I survived another workout that could’ve been an email.”
      • Someone make a t-shirt of it.
  • “I was just talking to Clovis right now.” -The Emperor
    • “Holy shit, my boss might be crazy.” -This random-ass attendant.
      • Also, how can he see in that thing? It’s the least functional uniform ever.
  • POINTLESS FORESHADOWING IS POINTLESS.
  • “The Stolen Mask.”
    • Shit, this is the filler episode, isn’t it?
      • Must. Find. Morphine.
  • The insignificant students of the Palace of the Ashfords spend their three seconds of screentime asking insignificant yet highly salient questions.
    • What an apt metaphor for human existence.
  • “Even so, he seems kinda suspicious, doesn’t he?” -This random-ass student
    • Why? There are least half a dozen guys with the same basic features as MSGT, plus he’s wearing a carbon copy of your outfit. How does he seem suspicious? Is his laptop a Mooglebook?
  • They think MSGT [Suzaku] might be a terrorist. They’re awfully calm for considering such a brazen thing.
  • “Even the school can confirm that [Suzaku isn’t a terrorist].” -This other random-ass student
    • Gee, man, I dunno. I think only about three people on this planet have brains. None of them are in this room.
      • Remember: this is the Empire that put Jeremiah Gottwald in military command of an entire colony of 120 million people. Your faith may be misplaced.
  • God, this entire scene is a bunch of lazy one-liners that repeat the same goddamn information over and over.
    • BIGOTED RICH STUDENTS ARE AFRAID OF SOMEONE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THEM. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
      • Nina Einstein continues her meteoric rise into the ranks of “Worst Human Beings Who Have Ever Lived.”
  • Shirley suggests the radical idea that they treat MSGT like a human being.
    • Bitch is gonna die.
  • Lelouch learned his spy tradecraft from Sesame Street.
    • Gee, I hope no one was watching Lelouch as he left, especially the three other students that were two feet away from him in the frame.
      • I also hope no one was watching MSGT’s reaction to him.
  • And nobody follows the extremely suspicious couple up to the roof.
  • GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
    • I refuse to believe they had such a specific sign for a specific thing when they were bratty children.
  • Why did he just say “capsule”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “capsule,” “container,” or anything of the sort?
    • Hmm, I guess not. English’s domination of all things in this world is getting kinda crazy.
  • Oh yeah, the girl. Whom Lelouch completely forgot about. Because the writers completely forgot about her. Lelouch did not move her or tend to her whatsoever. He just took off in Villetta’s retarded war-machine and left ALL the women behind. Where they belong.
    • Including you, MSGT, but please, continue telling us how you’re repaying Lelouche for his wonderful kindness.
      • Lelouch lies through his teeth. Again.
  • This highly suspicious scenario with a billion elements left totally unexplained will now be ignored. Again.
  • Wait, when did Lelouch get the chance to fake his own death? How did that happen? When?
    • Yeah, *nobody* in the entire Holy Britannia(n) Empire would wonder why a student using his mother’s name and who’s around the age of the supposedly deceased Lelouch vi Britannia shows up randomly under the protection of the Ashford family, a long-time ally of Lelouch’s mother. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
      • See what I mean, random-ass student? Your question was pointless. As were you.
        • By the way, do you know what a bee is? I’m conducting a poll.
  • Lelouch questions why MSGT has made a number of incredibly poor decisions. Lelouch, a “brilliant” tactician and strategist, does not learn from his mistakes.
  • Lol. So for no reason whatsoever, the writers retcon the events of the very last episode and heavily imply that Euphemia intervened on MSGT’s behalf. Except that MSGT’s court-martial had already been cancelled, all charges dismissed, and MSGT released before he even met Euphemia. It was precisely that chain of events that led to his meeting Euphemia.
    • I don’t. Even. What.
      • These writers can’t even keep track of what happened two hours ago. Are they all alcoholics?
  • Oh look, there’s a picture of Lelouch right there in the fucking Royal Palace. But no one has seen him before or recognizes him.
    • I wonder if Euphemia knows what a bee is.
  • Great job, Lelouch. You murdered a prolific and talented artist in cold blood because revenge and reasons and stuff.
    • And not because he was a wanna-be mass murderer. You didn’t give two shits about that.
      • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Euphemia touches the extremely priceless painting, the last mementos of her dead brother, because that’s exactly what you want to do to such fragile material: smudge your oily human fingers all over it.
    • Sigh. No one cares about art anymore.
  • For the purposes of propaganda, Euphemia will never be told that her “gentle” brother tried to massacre forty million people shortly before he died.
    • Euphemia is a terrible judge of character. Just like every other female character on this show. Because women, and women have no brains. Science says so.
  • Switch to random military situation room, providing us a blindingly useless layout of a battlefield that conveys no tactically relevant information whatsoever.
    • This show dragged Sloth from the depths of Hades and made love to its sweet face in an orgy that will never be surpassed again.
  • The Britannimerican commander pauses to give a speech about information that everyone in the room already knows.
    • Behold the caliber of the Imperial War Machine, conqueror of nations.
  • These guerrillas suck. Whoever they are.
    • Like, they install their gun turrets on flat, exposed concrete slabs on a hillside instead of just burying them into the hillside where the earth would protect them.
      • Let me guess: the animators didn’t want to bother drawing anything more complicated.
  • Um, how did anybody not know the guerrillas were there? That is the most conspicuous hideout I’ve ever seen.
    • It looks like a goddamn anthill.
    • SILLY.BEEHIVE
      • “I say, Earnest, I wonder why that hill has all those guns on it.”
      • “I couldn’t hazard a guess, Elliot. Would you like some cheese with your wine?”
  • These idiots keep acting like Knightmares were invented today at 1300 hours.
    • I will remind you there have been six previous generations of them.
  • Does Cornelia seriously have nothing better to do than run around mopping up hideouts that a two-year-old could spot? Is the Britannimerican military that helpless without its named characters?
    • Yes.
  • That was a complete waste of time, fuel, resources, and ammunition. The tanks would’ve just blown up the fortifications anyway.
    • What a spectacular advancement of human technology. War will never be the same.
  • Somehow, in this universe, melee beats ranged.
    • Hey, Riot. I think your balance team might be interested in this.
  • Those bullets did not miss Cornelia. The animators just didn’t want to animate explosions. One-sided battles are soooooooooooooooo exciting.
    • Are you excited yet? If not, go kill yourself.
  • Cornelia charges alone into a guerrilla labyrinth and dismisses any offer of backup when she has no idea how many enemies are inside, what equipment they have, or what kind of traps or defenses they might have prepared ahead of time.
    • This massive mountain apparently holds a small room filled with…railroads?
      • Huh?
  • Cornelia then looks around for literally two seconds and concludes “Zero must not be here.” Indubitably, Mrs. Holmes.
    • I honestly cannot be surprised anymore by how lazy these writers can get.
  • Cornelia casually says that killing them one-by-one wouldn’t accomplish anything, then proceeds to kill them all one-by-one.
    • Filler level: Code Geass.
  • Lelouch was just sitting here in this empty dining room waiting for Nunnally to show up with Sayoko. It’s almost like he read a script or something.
  • Nunnally can identify who MSGT is by feeling the texture of his hand, but can’t suspect some random woman who steals into her house in the middle of the knight and eats her food.
  • “You’ll stay the night here, won’t you, Suzaku?” -Nunnally vi Britannia
    • “Yes, in Lelouch’s room.”
    • “Oh. That must be nice.”
    • “Uh, yeah. Very.” *wink*
      • I’m bored. Sue me.
  • Sayoko is one hell of a maid. She prepared that spread in three seconds. Ninjas OP.
  • Nunnally vi Britannia is the 340982790847098573098547087th person to ask MSGT why the fuck he’s still in the Britannimerican military.
  • MSGT lies through his teeth. Again.
    • Lelouch is not fooled, considering he knows the status of MSGT’s addled nervous system.
      • Man, Nunnally, you haven’t even had your first period and your whole life is one pernicious lie. Someone’s future therapist is a rich man.
  • “You’ve really mellowed since then.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Somehow it hard to picture MSGT as some precocious asshole. I think he was probably just a slightly less stupid kid than he is now.
    • “And you’ve gotten a lot rougher.” – MSGT
      • *wink*
  • Gee, I do hope the superhumanly endowed MSGT can’t hear this incredibly sensitive conversation between Lelouch and C.C. going on in the room next to him, the room that isn’t even separated by a door.
  • BA HA HA HA. Lelouch asserts he has friends.
    • Silly anime protagonist. Nobody likes you.
  • Jesus H. Christ, Jeremiah Gottwald has become an extra on a Saw film.
    • Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have less ridiculous restraining devices than white straight jackets bought from Serial Killers Limited?
      • Also, why is Jeremiah Gottwald so cleanly shaven? Do they shave it for him? I don’t think he can shave properly while his abdomen is being crushed by three leather belts.
        • Real answer: the animators went home at one o’clock in the afternoon.
  • Turns out, nobody likes Jeremiah Gottwald. How unexpected.
  • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald did allow the terrorists to escape in a series of behavior and events that could best be described as a “psychotic episode.” So either Jeremiah Gottwald should be talking to a therapist or they should be investigating why several of their high-level personnel have all had such bizarre episodes in a very short amount of time for no reason.
    • But that would require brains, which go for $20 billion each on the Britannimerican black market.
  • I’m sorry, Jeremiah Gottwald was not demoted three ranks, unless “margrave” is an actual rank in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire. If it is, they’re dumb and should feel very bad about themselves.
  • Wait, so, Jeremiah Gottwald has to either go back to being a pilot or…”cultivate an orange farm?” Is that a veiled threat of forced early retirement? Really? Why are you even allowing such an inimitable moron to remain in your ranks at all?
  • Yes, MSGT, you would be in bad shape if anyone searched Moogle and put two and two together and suspected the very obvious connection between you and Lelouch, but you should also have figured out by now that no one possesses the faculties to do that. So who the fuck cares.
  • I think maybe two people at the school know of Nunnally know of her very existence.
    • Which is the perfect environment for a traumatized adolescent girl to be in.
      • Wait, is Nunnally faking all this? Is she a violent sociopath just like everyone else? I sure fucking hope so, for her sake.
  • LELOUCH RAGES. It’s cute.
  • WHY ARE THEY STILL WEARING THEIR SCHOOL UNIFORMS AT MIDNIGHT? DON’T THESE PEOPLE CHANGE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH–
  • Gee, C.C, I hope nobody notices your brightly lit figure with your florescent green hair from that window. Certainly not any Britannimerican security personnel from the Capitol Building that’s down the fucking street.
  • Just to be clear, we have another scene in which every Britannimerican student reaffirms their undying racism.
  • Um, how did the Japanese guerrillas infiltrate the Palace of the Ashfords? Why? Did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere help them out?
  • Oh look, there’s a huge Japanese flag on the wall there. I wonder who these people could be. Really.
  • That asshole guerrilla group named themselves “Blood of the Samurai.” They should’ve named themselves “Lords of the Anthill.” Or something.
    • If they were your largest resistance group in central Japan, then your resistance isn’t long for this world, Ohgi.
  • This episode is SO BOOOOOOOORING.
    • They even keep playing the same goddamn music over and over and over again. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
  • Gee, Lelouch, I do hope the Holy Britannia(n) Empire isn’t monitoring your personal cellphone or the Internet.
  • Um. So….wait, those weren’t Japanese fighters–even though they looked exactly like some of them. They were just asshole students who defaced MSGT’s shirt. Oh.
    • Yeah, none of the Japanese viewers were able to read that. But good try, animators. Good try.
  • Nina and Nunnally have a scene together. Made extremely awkward by what a nightmarish psychological case study Nina is.
    • But she’s also the single most interesting character in this whole series precisely because the writers allow her to be a bad person, instead of glossing over her flaws like they do with everyone else.
      • MSGT and Lelouch could have have sex in Nunnally’s bedroom after slaughtering a small village, but the writers would still find some way to spin it in their favor.
  • Mama loves Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut. Mama loves Pizza Hut and dat check.
  • Geez, I hope nobody notices the very conspicuous C.C. answer the fucking front door.
  • Lelouch shows off his brilliance by storing all the incriminating evidence about his alternate ego in his bedroom.
    • But he painstakingly points this out to the viewer, who is apparently too dumb to draw this conclusion on their own.
  • Did that scene seriously just happen?
    • So, the cat teleported all the way over to the mask, opened it in 0.5 seconds, fished out the mask, then left the room with it in 0.3 seconds, all without making any sound or C.C., a magical immortal witch who’s been alive for hundreds of years, noticing any of this?
      • Lazy fucks.
        • And that is one badass cat.
  • Either Lelouch never changes his clothes or he has ten copies of that one uniform. Either way, this is retarded.
  • Lelouch has a heart attack because something is finally happening in this shitfest of an episode.
    • Lelouch is also baffled by how leaving such horrifically incriminating evidence lying around unsecured is leading to disaster.
  • C.C., act a little more concerned about your entire plan and identity being exposed.
    • Or you can just keep being an unlikable robot. Because you’re a woman, and women do not have personalities. Science says so.
  • They’re going to keep this music on loop, aren’t they? I’m gonna go blow my brains out. Be right back.
  • Wait, how did Nunnally know it was a cat that took something? The cat did not meow there. She couldn’t see the cat. So…
    • I don’t even. Fuck this shit.
  • “What could be so important to Lelouch?” -Rivalz
    • “A love letter?” -Nina Einstein
      • (Porn.)
    • “An embarrassing photo?” -Milly Ashford
      • (Definitely porn.)
        • Also, don’t be a dumbass, Milly. Photos aren’t physical media. Who does that.
    • “A poetry notebook!” -Rivalz
      • OHMIGOD YOU RETARDS IT’S PORN BE TEENAGERS FOR ONCE.
  • Milly Ashford actually enlists the resources of the entire school, which is busily educating the next generation of world leaders, into hunting down what is likely a porn stash. All for her personal amusement.
    • Is this satire now? Is this a subtle commentary on conspicuous consumption or something?
  • Lelouch actually considers enlisting the resources of a Japanese terrorist group to fix a mess that someone of his supposed intellectual caliber would’ve never allowed to happen in the first place.
  • Wait, how did the cat get up to the roof in five seconds? No cat moves that fast, certainly not one blind and confused as fuck. Not to mention it has an injured paw.
    • Maybe the cat knows what a bee is.
  • The cat lands on the injured paw from two stories up. Now, I know cats can fall from relatively high places without injury, but not when it’s limping.
  • LOL, that one Britannimerican asshole is just staring at the wall.
    • SILLY.ASSHOLE-WALL
      • He’s staring at the grey wall for no reason. There’s not even a picture there for him to stare at it. He’s just stoned out of his gourd.
        • The purpose of his entire existence is to stand in that pose so that he doesn’t see the cat. He’s less important than an ant.
          • GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
  • CONTINUITY ALERT! CONTINUITY ALERT!
    • So in the above scene, the cat proceeds to walk down to the left while a conversation is being heard. Then somehow the scene shifts to an ENTIRELY NEW HALLWAY that looks NOTHING LIKE the one you see above as the conversation finishes. The entrance and those students frozen in time all vanish and we see two other assholes. This all happens in the space of four seconds.
      • Photographic evidence of alien teleportation:
        • SILLY.TELEPORTATION
      • And it suddenly has golden wall fringes between the windows.
        • These animators suck balls.
  • HMMM. ZERO’S MASK APPEARS AT SCHOOL. NEURONLESS STUDENTS DO NOT SUSPECT ZERO MIGHT BE AT THEIR SCHOOL.
  • Lelouch haphazardly uses his magical mind-screwing power on those two girls while shouting. I do hope the three other students standing two feet away didn’t hear or see any of that.
    • Nah, they’re staring into space and tripping on some fancy schmancy weed.
  • “Capture the cat which is running loose on campus!” -Milly Ashford
    • This campus is the size of a small city and filled with greenspace. There could be a dozen or two cats running around it. Be more specific, woman.
  • Yes, this seems like a totally reasonable way of not only suspending scholastic activities, but also DOLING OUT BUDGETARY FAVORS.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAY INSTITUTIONAL CORRUPTION.
      • Britannimericans sure learn early.
  • Oh. So the grand prize is a kiss from a member of the student council. Okay.
    • Who cares?
      • Are you implying the school gives a shit about the nerds on the council?
        • Let’s consider the students’ options here. We have:
          • Milly Ashford, because men are perverts.
          • Shirley, because men are perverts.
          • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, because men are perverts.
          • Lelouch Lamperouge, because women totally like emasculated closeted gay men.
          • Nina Einstein, because lesbians.
          • Rivalz. ………no.
      • Upon review, we have concluded that this is actually a very devious, inclusive, and effective motivational scheme. We salute you, Milly Ashford.
  • Literally two dozen men apparate into the bushes surrounding Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, implying literally two dozen men are stalking her at all times on campus.
    • This seems like an absurdly low number.
  • LOL. LESBIANS. I KNEW THEY EXIST.
  • Random Britannimerican football team. Because the very unique sport of American football developed in this universe. Not soccer. Yeah.
    • Fuck you.
  • This is actually the most entertaining the show has been so far. They’re certainly making up for the useless first half.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere reaffirms her undying racism.
  • Now Nunnally suddenly has super-accurate hearing for the convenience of the plot, even though she couldn’t sense her brother dragging a mysterious woman into his room.
    • Fuck you.
  • Cecile has no situational awareness whatsoever.
  • Lloyd gripes about how a school does not want a giant weapon of war parked anywhere near it.
  • Why is Rivalz even allowed to drive his motorcycle on campus?
  • Oh. So the two female leads somehow corner the cat after changing in a frantic hurry and nobody else finds it. Right. Sure.
    • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Shirley is distracted by lesbian fantasies. Christ, woman, focus for five seconds.
  • THE CAT LITERALLY DOES NOT MAKE ANY SOUNDS WITH ITS FOOTPRINTS. NUNNALLY IS FULL OF SHIT.
    • AND THEN IT TELEPORTS TO ANOTHER BUILDING. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
  • Lelouch should be dead after running so much.
  • Awww yeah, Nina knows what’s going on. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
  • The racists are still stunned after MSGT saved someone’s life in front of their eyes. Wow.
  • MILLY ASHFORD WANTS LELOUCH’S PORN.
    • But no one else does. Sigh.
  • Lelouch reveals incredibly sensitive information that he has no reason to reveal at all.
  • Nina Einstein reaffirms her undying racism.
  • And now Lelouch is putting MSGT on the council because fuck it he’s his gay lover.
  • “How can I refuse a request from the vice-president?” -Milly Ashford
    • Uh, it’s literally your job, president.
  • Oh, yeah, Nunnally’s on the council too.
    • ….I take back what I said about Milly’s promise to the school. That’s disgusting.
  • Rivalz the Student Council Member once again proposes underage drinking in front of a hundred other students.
    • I also take back what I said about Rivalz. This dude must get laid every day.
  • Prince Clovis’ state funeral is surprisingly austere and lacking Jeremiah Gottwald’s decapitated head.
    • Also, nobody gives two fucks.
  • That is one fucking huge portrait of Prince Clovis. It is three stories tall.
    • Seriously, it is three stories tall.
  • Sweeping shots of the Britannimerican Royal Family, exactly two of which we will see again.
  • The Emperor professes his undying Social Darwinism.
    • He then defends this via weak stereotypes and baseless assertions.
  • Kotomine Kirei is the only Britannimerican in the entire Empire who isn’t giving this bullshit the time of day.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still alive and serving the Britannimerican military because pixies.
  • Lloyd says something cute. Awww.
  • I’m pretty sure the other superpowers of the world are also moving forward, Emperor Fatshanks.
    • That is his name now.
  • Clovis’ death served zero evolutionary purpose. His Royal Genocide did not have to die had anyone been paying the slightest bit of attention.
  • Emperor Fatshanks preaches about stealing, competing, acquiring, and dominating things, ignoring how any effective nation relies on people not doing that to a certain degree.
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHRU HAAAAAAAIRU BURITAHNNIA!!!!!!
    • Most inspiring slogan evah.
  • Don’t worry, everyone. MSGT will reform this system from within. He can do it.
    • (Ten bucks on Emperor Fatshanks.)

Gundam Wing – The Final Review

The wise man knows his memory cannot be trusted. Every now and again you reflect upon a loving toy, game, place, or experience that had a profound impact on you, especially when you were young. Unto yourself your mind bequeaths glorious images that entice you into revisiting that memory, and like that ridiculous Telepathic Pitcher Plant (TM) from that one Star Trek: Voyager episode, you heed the luring call of your nostalgia until that moment of unadulterated revelation when the walls of the trap snap shut and you flail in vain as you drown slowly in the horror of your own summoning.

My friends: Gundam Wing is that pitcher plant–and that Voyager episode.

This does not resemble *anything*!This resembles nothing.

As many my age can recall, Gundam Wing is a beloved show of one’s childhood: the first solid incarnation of the Gundam anime franchise that American children and teenagers were exposed to. It somehow combined deep philosophical musing with the allure of implausible, anthropomorphic machines of war blowing lots of stuff up. To an adolescent mind, this was amazing, as most other cartoons never discussed the notions of war and peace at large along with the philosophies surrounding human conflict. Many viewers my age were intrigued and captivated by this new approach to looking at the world, and so were pulled into the medium of anime itself. This being the seed of much of my mental development, rewatching this could only be a pleasant experience.

Or so my memories told me. In reality, Gundam Wing is an emotional, logical, and moral trainwreck that somehow ascends into the High Heavens of Inanity unto a far loftier circle than even the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, no doubt swelling the slumbering corpse of Cthulhu with matchless pride. If you thought it was bullshit that Padme died for Literally No Reason (TM), your mind is about to cry rivers of blood, because everything in Gundam Wing happens for Literally No Reason (TM), and to such an extent you would think George Lucas would have sued Sunrise’s ass off by now for copyright infringement.

Gundam Wing takes place in its own uniquely baffling timeline in which humanity, still chafing from the wedgie it received after being shoved between a global mandate for absurd Victorian fashion and the mind-blowing computer technology of the 80s, reckons the years after the establishment of the first space colony, implying this was as significant an event in history as the birth of Jesus Christ. In case you did not know just how few Japanese are Christians, now you do. That’s how they keep getting away with that shit in Evangelion, yet even The End of Evangelion makes twenty-three times as much sense as the first episode of this series. This does not improve as time progresses.

Those are the words in your vocabulary now.

 Those are now the only words in your vocabulary.

The Year: After Colony 195. In one of the most ill-conceived terrorist operations since time began, the beleaguered and oppressed Colonies, unable to communicate with each other, independently craft the most advanced fighting machines ever seen by human eyes and decide to put them in the hands of the most deranged teenagers they could find. The first of these is the unforgettable Heero Yuy: History’s Most Virgin Psychopath. One has to wonder where this monster came from. In the first minute of his screen-time he coldly executes the first of Gundam Wing’s Legion of Unnamed Victims and laughs maniacally for about seven seconds before proceeding to the next one. This is the most relatable show of emotion he ever makes throughout the series, all forty-nine episodes of it. Then he proceeds to abandon his weapon of war in the ocean and crash on the shore where the Second Virgin Psychopath, “Relena Peacecraft,” happens upon him and seems not to care a wit as he commits brazen acts of terrorism before her eyes, including attempting to murder her. Translation: she’s in love with him.

Apparently the brilliant minds behind this operation thought the solution to their plight would be to hand the keys to a nigh-invincible superweapon to the Japanese child of Charles Manson and send him to Earth to do…something. It is never clear what exactly Heero Yuy was instructed to do or what the Colonies were attempting to accomplish except mass terror and undirected mayhem. Nor are the other Gundam pilots any better except the American one, Duo Maxwell, who actually wonders on screen what the hell is going on from time to time. Duo is also the only character in this series who has undoubtedly had sex. Beyond that, we have three other psychiatric wonder children: Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, completing a grand circle of clinical insanity and pernicious racism. It’s clear the director was going for the diversity achievement here, but failed miserably, as every single character is inexplicably white or Asian. No one with skin darker than whole milk ever appears. No, not even in the background. Somehow the Nazis won in this universe. It would explain a lot, like why these people are not confined to a mental institution in very thick straitjackets, although not their clothing, as the Nazis knew how to dress at least.

See any black people! No! See any straight people? No!

I rest my case.

The show introduces our “favorite” Gundam pilots by squeezing the plot through a sieve, giving us ample time to reflect on all their shortcomings as human beings. Quatre Raberba Winner–yes, that’s his name–is the white, blond, adolescent leader of a random group of white Arabs headed by some comical incarnation of Wolverine. For the next forty-odd episodes or so, Quatre can’t make up his mind on whether he wants to be a pacifist, a murderer, or just batshit insane. It’s also clear he’s gay, as shown by his awkward, series-spanning mancrush on Trowa Barton, the Mad Clown Gundam Pilot, who has locks that defy the laws of physics and singlehandedly fund the AXE brand of hair products. He’s randomly suicidal, as the series goes out of its way to demonstrate to everyone’s annoyance. Apart from this pair of Necronomicon readers is Wufei Chang, winner of the most insultingly generic Chinese name since the first Grand China King Yellow Buffet opened its doors in America, who seems convinced his Gundam–that giant machine of war meant to kill people–carries with it the spirit of his dead, fourteen-year-old wife. End Paragraph.

As any reasonable soul would have expected, this pentagon of horror manages to achieve exactly nothing except the wanton death of thousands of people and the complete geopolitical destabilization and upheaval of the entire planet several times over. Naturally, there are perfectly reasonable people on the other side trying to make sure things retain some modicum of order or something like that. Oh. Wait. No. The first character of the United Earth Sphere Alliance–because Third Reich or British Empire is too passe by this point–is “Lieutenant” Zechs Marquis. Don’t worry, his rank fluctuates appropriately in every episode, so it’s just safe to assume he’s in charge of everyone around him. The quality of dialogue (and sheer Japanese-to-English translation) in this show can be described by his approximate fifth line:

“So that’s their little battle seed all ready to sprout into new battles.”

Like Heero, Zechs manages to get all that annoying near-coherence out at the beginning just so we can be entranced by another twenty-four-and-a-half hours of whispers of the Old Ones from his lips. Zechs wears a mask and long, flowing blond hair down to his ankles. If you know anything about any military in the world, you immediately see a problem. Too bad. Gundam Wing doesn’t care. The “military” in this universe laughs at your notions of discipline, respect, regulations, intelligence, tactics, morality, or regard for human life. It is staffed by awkwardly-voiced morons who can’t make up their minds about who they are, yet insist on throwing out every last bizarre philosophical observation on the situation they can conjure. These people happily believe threatening to kill everyone in space is a viable defensive tactic for winning a minor land skirmish, and they’re right, because unlike you, you sad, small-minded offspring of an Earth inhabited by sane human beings, they know just how stupid the rest of their species truly is.

What disciplined, professional psychopaths!

These people serve in a “military.”

Straddling Zech’s completely unused penis is “Lieutenant” Lucrezia Noin, another vaguely German personality and flight instructor who tries to seduce Zechs out-of-uniform on an open comms channel in her first five minutes on screen, then downgrades her game to tapping her dress sword against Zech’s in the lamest disco bar since disco died. After recovering from the hangover she doesn’t have, Noin bitchslaps a newly graduating pilot who speaks at the position of attention for some reason and berates him for not being able to take care of his machine. Meanwhile, in China, Wufei teleports over to Noin’s base, blows up the entire student barracks in the middle of the night, then survives an encounter with “Lieutenant” Noin because she is a retard who lets him get back to his Gundam and kick her ass. Wufei berates Noin for her existence as a woman and explains his victory in the most misogynistic manner possible. Noin is then not court-martialed for her utter incompetence by Zechs.

“It must get better,” you say to yourself. No, it doesn’t. Nothing in the series makes any more sense than this. The plot progresses through sheer inertia, leaving the viewer constantly baffled as to why. Every second line is an incoherent fragment of philosophical rambling that is beyond the capability of the human nervous system to process. To make matters crazier, the motivations of every character change faster than the weather for less scrutable reasons. Zechs alone shifts from villain to ally to villain to ally to madman, each time donning a new absurd personality to justify it. Which begs the question: is Gundam Wing, in fact, a groundbreaking series that attempted to explore mental health through the medium of highly marketable toys? We wonder, we wonders.

Pacifism will save us! Now blow shit up!

Pacifism will save us! Now blow shit up! 

Once the aneurysm-inducing introductory episodes are out of the way, we get treated to our next gift of torture from Sauron the Great: the endless waltz of madness between the two obvious couples in this series. The first and aforementioned marriage of weird lies between Heero and Relena, two teenagers “in love” who never show it in any discernible way. Apart from the simple fact that these two spend about ten minutes in the same scene over the course of forty-nine episodes, Heero tries to kill Relena several times without showing a hint of remorse, while Relena reciprocates by standing on the shore and shouting “Heero, I’m waiting right here, so come kill me!” over and over again. The only person watching this ridiculous drama unfold is Relena’s stoned-ass butler, who, when he’s not aimlessly shuttling Relena about in her hot-pink Limousine of Despair, spouts exposition that he has no earthly right to know. The old dotard must be too senile and/or high to question why his young charge keeps harassing the Atlantic Ocean for not murdering her hard enough. Maybe he turned to drugs to dull the pain; maybe I should follow his wise example.

Noo, she's just a *normal* teenager!

Pictured: a theoretical human being.

The second match made in Dis is between Lady Une and Treize Khushrenada, two of the most incompatible personalities on God’s Green Earth. Lady Une is a sociopathic schizophrenic and “Colonel” in the Earth Sphere Alliance that, based on some pretty obvious subtext, just seems to want Treize to bone her hard. You would think this would be straightforward, but Treize has to spend far too much time tending his sinisterly forked eyebrows to pleasure women. Lady Une, in response, tries to kill every living thing in sight. By that, I mean the Gundam Pilots. For a while there I thought she was (in delectable irony) the only person who grasped just how dangerous these teenagers are, but alas, she turns out to be just as sexually repressed and incompetent as the next demon-child of the Axis Powers that rule this world. So much in this series would be solved if people just got laid. So much. Oh, Freud, why did you have to die so soon? You missed a grand opportunity. Fate is truly cruel.

You will notice I am avoiding discussing the greater plot, if you can call it that, as digesting it will involve alcohol and meth in the obscene quantities that these characters seem to ingest. Here is a blessedly brief argument of Gundam Wing. Take a deep hit first.

The United Earth Sphere Alliance is headed by pacifists who are violently oppressing everything in heaven and earth because shut up. In response, the Colonies forge the Gundams and send them and their thoroughly insane pilots to Earth to “retaliate,” meaning kill lots of innocent soldiers and blow shit up at regular intervals. Treize wiggles his forked eyebrows and dupes his wise, virgin adversaries into assassinating the inexplicably pacifist leadership of the military that rules the world (read that again), leaving Treize, a lowly “Colonel,” in charge of everything. His new organization, “Oz”–whatever the hell that stands for–seems completely indistinguishable from its predecessor until more inebriated old men with unbelievable power show up from somewhere and start making AIs capable of fighting without pilots, thus eliminating the need to execute a few hundred nameless soldiers and civilians every episode. Unable to stand for this, Treize throws the calmest shitstorm of philosophical babbling ever recorded and splits Oz into two under the apparent premise that humans dying in battle is preferable to humans not dying in battle. So logic vomits out this surreal standoff where the enemies are the people who want to save human lives. Treize’s eyebrows did it.

...the hell did I just read?

Thou villain with thine benevolent wishes!

It was at this point that the quivering, haltering plot fell apart even before my twelve-year-old mind when it first beheld this. It sounded vaguely eloquent back then, but Lady Une’s rant about how soldiers dying in battle is a good thing smacked of utter bullshit. Turns out it was utter bullshit. I get a gold star. In order to keep stomaching this epic space drama at the mountains of madness, I just ignored this point and skipped to the next scene that involved senseless killing…five seconds later. Oh good, I thought! It’s over! I was betrayed. Having written itself into a corner by introducing the invincible “Mobile Dolls,” the plot compensates for this by conjuring more Giant Machines of Death, but this time their use drives their pilots balls-to-the-wall-I-hate-bodonkadonks-mad–even more than they already were! What?! you gasp, baffled. Oh yes, it’s true. The solution to beating the Mobile Dolls is a Hitler Machine! If you think about it, though, this actually follows the whole logic of the series to the letter, in that there is none and you should look out the window and pray that the Rapture is happening.

Thanks to the benevolent influence of one of these new Crazy-Gundams, Quatre goes on a merciless (as opposed to his previous merciful) killing spree after his dad objects to the democratic process on his colony, which votes Oz in fair and square. To prevent this dastardly spark of tyranny from spreading any further, Quatre’s Dad, the whitest Arab known to man, attempts to rob his former subjects’ of their entire livelihood, which they end up killing him for. Quatre blames the colonists for doing the completely reasonable thing and declares that that the colonies have lost their minds and all need to die. Wow. Well, I guess crazy people think normal people are crazy, so that…makes sense? God hasn’t answered me in a very long time. The last I heard from Him was a cackling this place needs more death. Uh oh. After Heero and Trowa kick Quatre’s retarded ass, the pilots all end up on the moon, where the writers gang-rape biology, allowing several of the pilots to survive complete oxygen deprivation for over twenty minutes. Given how brain-damaged these young-ins are already, I guess that’s a fair leap. Sort of. Anyway, Oz splits into two and starts a world war over AI, a war the proponents of Japanese Luddhism lose. Derp.

How *dare* you challenge my dictatorship?

This Semitic man makes good decisions.

Meanwhile, on the abused, battered shores of the Atlantic, Relena Peacecraft has at last annoyed the sea into giving her her own kingdom, a twisted plot of land populated by her Psychotic Fan Club and other nameless, repressed high-school students. With options now at her disposal, Relena spends her spare time yelling at the forest outside her window instead. Her Sanc Kingdom espouses complete and total pacifism while being guarded by Giant Machines of Death as tall as skyscrapers. History proceeds to laugh its ass off and sends, like, ten other countries to go knock that shit down, because seriously, it’s dumb. Relena’s demented experiment into brainwashing a generation is crushed under heel in about two minutes, a conclusion no resident of the After Colony timeline could have foreseen. Everyone is sad and cries and whines and boo hoo hoo. Not for long, though, as Relena is then crowned Queen of the World. End Paragraph.

Well, that actually went rather well.

That went rather well, actually.

Space decides that it has had enough of this nonsense, and Oz is ripped apart from within a third time by a new faction of mass murderers called White Fang, led by another German named Kanz. I think my theory about the Nazis was right. It explains everything, but I digress. White Fang kicks Oz out of space. Zechs, addled by the use of his own Crazy-Gundam (side effects may include breathtaking lunacy and halitosis) and distraught by the completely predictable demolition of Relena’s tiny sanctum of hypocrisy, decides to command this new faction and blames Earth for everything that has gone wrong in history ever. Now we end up with a villain who is ninety-nine percent right about things somehow. He just wants to plunge the planet he was born on into a perpetual nuclear winter. His plan goes like this:

  1. Lose your mind.
  2. Build a space replica of all the Egyptian pyramids and smash them together.
  3. Give your new spaceship a huge-ass beam cannon.
  4. Crash it into Central Asia.
  5. Pop the champagne: you’ve killed ten billion people.

Well, yes. Ignoring that minor detail of how everyone wouldn’t die right away and they’d all scramble into space to escape death by freezing, thus taxing the Colonies’ already limited resources into oblivion and spawning a new series of desperate wars for food and material and thus failing in every way imaginable, his plan is perfect. Needless to say, this scheme is so jaw-droppingly bonkers that even the Gundam Pilots band together to put a stop to it. They do so in the most drawn-out and incompetent manner possible, of course, so the jaded, senseless viewer, who has now forgiven George Lucas for all his sins so mild, is forced to sit through another fifteen or so episodes as he watches Treize die because he randomly decides to lead from the front, Duo kick some ass, Quatre have a random fencing match in zero gravity with one of Relena’s failed bitch-candidates for brainwashing (which he still somehow loses), Wufei keep shouting at his Gundam-Wife because they never boinked or something, Trowa’s hair interfere with Higgs-Boson particles, and Heero and Zechs have a lame duel in which they both throw philosophy books at each other with their lazer swords. Finally Heero bothers to shoot down the last fragment of Zech’s Egyptian Theme Park Ride and saves the Earth. Quatre objects to them even celebrating this moment with alcohol. Holy shit, kid, let loose and make out with Trowa for Pete’s sake.

Are you still there? That was the plot, more or less. I left some greasy turds from Shub-Niggurath’s latrine left for you to find if you ever watch this series for yourself, but really, the single best thing about Gundam Wing is its ripe hypocrisy about its whole nature. The series prattles on time and time again about how fighting solves nothing and Pacifism Is the Answer against a simultaneous backdrop of Gundams killing everyone and exploding everything visible. Heero alone commits so many crimes against humanity it’s hilarious. Trowa tries to off himself about every third episode while shooting countless bullets into the faces of countless innocents. Quatre decapitates multiple soldiers with his scythes of death, then weeps. You should have surrendered, he laments. You shouldn’t have beheaded them, you asshole. Maybe that would have worked. Wufei spends a whole third of the series in China yelling at his Gundam-Wife, then pops in at the most random and convenient moments to save the day–or not. It’s about a 1-3 record for him. Duo just stays away from all these lunatics until Zechs concocts his Operation Pyramid, shacking up in the meantime with a hot German chick he swiped from Oz. No, they don’t have sex on screen, but they do have sex. That’s pretty much a given, as Duo even tries out one of the Crazy-Gundams and concludes that using it is a bad idea. Coitus solves everything and Americans are better than you. We must teach this lesson to the Japanese. Again.

Anyway, when all is said and done, one realizes that Gundam Wing was written by an inebriated replication of the Septuagint authors, i.e., a bunch of undersexed, neo-Nazi fogies locked up on an island somewhere dreaming up a scenario that reflects what they thought young whippersnappers of the modern world do in their spare time: man weapons of mass destruction while angsting over their not-boyfriends. Beyond that, I believe I have found a thing in the universe that exists without a cause and persists without evidence of it. The whole Standard Theory of Physics is just plain wrong, readers. The powers that be lie to us. We must rise up, don our epaulets, fork our eyebrows, castrate our young men, and chant for pacifism and peace to all mankind as we break the necks of our rulers with our bare hands and laugh beside Mephistopheles. Therein lies the salvation we all search for, in a world devoid of all common sense and any desire to solve our problems save through genocide! Glory to all the Colonies!

Or we could, like, not do that. Like we’re doing now. You’re all right, humanity. You’re all right.

Before you ask: no, Heero and Relena never ever ever got back together. The Atlantic swallowed her whole. Because she asked for it.