But Caesar, for God’s in His Heaven

Another day under Trump, another journalist wonders how it’s possible for white Evangelicals to support him with such zeal and passion.

One of the enduring puzzles of contemporary American politics is why white evangelicals, who loudly proclaim their devotion to the teachings of the Bible, continue to support the thrice-married, six-times-bankrupted, multiple-times-unfaithful, chronically lying president, who has, at the very least, violated three of the Ten Commandments (“Thou shalt not commit adultery,” “Thou shalt not steal,” and “Thou shalt not bear false witness”) and arguably several others.

As someone who came from the Church, what’s far more remarkable to me is how people continue to be shocked by this.

Look, kids. Here’s the dirty secret about Christianity: there are no real Christians.

First off, this is something you can infer directly from Scripture itself. The Bible speaks quite plainly to how only God will be able to separate the “tares” from the “wheat” when Judgment Day comes, whatever “Judgment Day” means. It was precisely these kinds of verses that led me down the blessed path of full deconversion, away from Calvary: nowhere is complete, 100%, absolute, foolproof salvation ever stipulated within Christianity. None. It’s not there. You can be as virtuous as Christ Himself and still be a tare as far as He’s concerned. You might even earnestly believe you’re among the saints, but only God will truly know when the time comes. Salvation is a complete crap-shoot by Christianity’s own standards. There’s no way you can lock it down, no way you can believe and/or work hard enough to know you’re among that number. That’s why Calvinism gained any sort of popularity in the first place: it solves this fundamental problem, only at the expense of Christianity’s soul. It’s the fundamental downside of an omnipotent, omniscient Creator: He can do whatever He wants, pick whomever or whatever He wants to be in His particular 700 Club, and if He decided at the last minute to just change all the rules and condemn you, earnest, fearful believer, to eternal damnation, there’d be nothing you could do about it, because you’re a tiny gnat before your Maker.

All of that is neither here nor there, of course, because God doesn’t exist. But even if He does, God doesn’t matter, which is why the bickering over His existence is a giant waste of time. We can still measure the impact His ostensible touch has on human behavior–rather, the complete lack thereof. Christians are indistinguishable from their heathen brethren. They eat, drink, sleep, pee, poop, and fuck. They like socializing. They like having things and they like enjoying things, especially that sex thing. There is no behavior of any subgroup of Christianity, from the poorest to the elite of the elite, that falls outside the confines of anthropology. Scientists can detect variances and draw strong conclusions about the nature of the universe based on the tiniest variations, the most infinitesimal specks in a picture of the observable universe. Whatever Few True Christians out there would be very noticeable, even if the success rate of Christianity was something pathetic, like 0.0001%. That would still get you into the millions based on sheer math.

Now, Christians know this, far better than anyone. They have eyes, ears, mouths, and functioning nervous systems. It’s the reality they have to deal with, one with a complete absence of God in any practical, useful sense. They have to work with a Church and culture inhabited by and run by those same humans from top to bottom, no exceptions. Nope, not even Sir Awesome Hat up in Rome, despite two millennium of writing on the topic that boils down to a giant yuh-huh. The Pope is elected from within a tiny group of men who dutifully worked their way up the corporate ladder, complete with paper-trail. It happens on camera in front of the whole world. He’s just some guy. God has nothing to do with it. Any of it.

That means Christians–every last one of them, just like everyone else–are making this shit up as they go along. 

See, the crux of Christianity is Witness. Christians are supposed to be different from other people, to be distinct and undeniable, to reflect God before the world. But you can’t do that without, you know, God. There has to be some Divine Spark somewhere: your friends, your pastor, his superior, whoever, somewhere, someway the Spark has to trickle down so people can work off it, no matter how small.

Here’s an example: Christians buy insurance. Why? Because there’s risk in their lives.

“But wait, why is there risk? God is God. I should be protected if I’m saved.”

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeell,” says the Church, “I know we sold you on that, but reaaaaaaaaaally, there’s no way to guarantee either your salvation or God’s protection at any time.”

“Why not?”

“Well, for one, you’re not living up to the standard.”

“How am I not living up to the standard?”

“Well, I mean, come on, you’ve gotta be doing something wrong.”

“No, I didn’t. You know I didn’t. God as my witness.”

*God bursts in like the Kool-Aid Man* “BITCH ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?”

“No no no, of course not! I love You!”

“Oh, cool, just checking. Here’s some more stuff now, ’cause I feel like it.”


You know what that’s from?

The Book of Job.

Yep. The whole point of the Book of Job, since none of you bothered to read it, is that Job is sinless but God can, surprise, do whatever He wants. The Book’s lesson is that no amount of righteousness, even complete perfection, is any basis to presume you’re shielded from bad stuff from happening to you. Conversely, your commitment to Him shouldn’t be contingent on whatever material boon He deigns to grant you, as that’s just not gonna work out well. “The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.” So why is such a depressing lesson even in the Biblical canon, not that far from Ecclesiastes? Because practical experience informs us of this. Job is Christianity’s answer to a very simple question:

If God’s on my side, then why is He still fucking with me?”

Well, because He can and does. It really undercuts the whole Witness thing, which would logically lead to you forgoing the concept of insurance altogether. There are some Christians who do this, but 99% of the rest of the Church severely criticizes them for being fools, and rightfully so: they all end up being struck by normal disaster and get screwed. Job was right.

But this is a minor example. If God were really on your side in any appreciable way, then Christians would appear absolutely nuts to all other humans. They wouldn’t care about money, or politics, or what society was doing, or what anybody was really doing. They wouldn’t even care about particular moral foibles like premarital sex or lying. They certainly wouldn’t invent a cosmic travesty like Contemporary Christian Music to try to attract fellow kids. They would be radically different, their Witness completely undeniable, which would also mean it’d be very effective. It’d work. Christianity wouldn’t be beleaguered or in trouble or even remotely concerned by anything temporal. They’d be a supermajority born out by simple effectiveness. Who wouldn’t want to be Christian if the Fruit of the Spirit were real and demonstrably attainable by an average person? Who doesn’t want love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance, against such there is no law?

That’s what the Faith insists, but reality is completely different. Christianity is beleaguered. Christianity is marred. It’s inhabited by weak, filthy, shameful, disgusting, greedy sinners who have never had any right to lecture anyone. It attracts televangelists and charlatans. It attracts hypocrisy and deceit like flies to honey. It promotes abuse and pain. It’s unpopular and lame. Most devastating of all, it’s helpless. The Rock is tossed about by the vagaries of the World, its most hated Foe. Christians know exactly how much Christians suck, and Christianity most of all. What is God if He can’t step in and squash these icky gays and keep our kids from bumping uglies together in the woods? What is God if He can’t let me pray in schools? What is God if He can’t fix my marriage? What is God if He can’t tell me how to get my kids to like me? What is God if He can’t pay my rent? What is God if He can’t make my bones stop hurting?

Christians want an answer to these questions, relief from the immense burden of cognitive dissonance they carry every second, the cross that makes them all so miserable deep down inside. They just want something tangible for their struggle, not just Sunday promises and platitudes. Like any sane creature, they want some results. Everything should be going their way, easy peasy lemon squeezy, but it’s just…not. They pray and God doesn’t answer. They preach and no one listens. They try to stand up for their faith and no one respects them. You can’t call black people the n-word anymore. You can’t keep those Muslims out of the public square. The gays are everywhere. Everything and everyone is changing, but God sits up on His throne, silent as the grave, and I’m down here watching it all, waiting.

What’s that?

Mexicans are rapists? Yes, finally someone speaks the truth. Muslims are dangerous? Yes, a man after our own heart. He’ll put our people in the courts and put them back in their place? Yes, sign me up. Yes, Caesar, strike back in God’s name. Yes, do His will. We’ve been waiting for you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!

How is that surprising?

How is that shocking?

How is that puzzling?

Christians are people. And people, if given a choice between power or principles, will always take the former. Power gets you what you want. Principles get you nothing, except some vague salvation some way off in the future after death, but I’m here now and my heart’s in the right place. After all, Jesus didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword.

What’s a little blood?

Boku no Hero Academia – 3.5


BHA Season 3
I predict there will be lots of punching and shouting.
  • Boring intro meant to cut animation costs is boring.
    • It’s not like we need a recap on Deku’s boilerplate motivations.
  • This opening has grown on me. Hard to believe Uverworld is still around.
    • Remember them in Bleach? You know, when it was good?
      • Approximately 13 billion years ago.
  • This is the gayest fight in BHA so far.
    • Complete with a money shot.
      • Oh, stop it, you were thinking it. It’s 2018. No one has an excuse to be that oblivious anymore, not even Japan.
        • Especially Japan.
  • “Delaware Detroit Smash.”
    • lolwat? What the fuck does that mean?
      • Do the Japanese know that Delaware and Detroit have, like, no relation to each other except for sheer alliteration?
        • (No, they don’t.)
  • Why is Facepalm still in this shitty bar? I swear he’s been here for fifty years.
    • Is the bar named “Expo?” It’s like where 90% of the exposition in this series takes place, that and Deku’s magically functioning abused cranium.
      • Who pays the bills for this place? Who keeps the lights on? Does Facepalm have a part-time job at Wendy’s downstairs?
        • Is that why he’s so pissed at everything?
    • Now he’s using an easy-to-animate RPG frame to describe this basic setup because last week’s episode inhaled the animation budget.
      • I wonder if Mr. Black Hole even knows what an RPG is.
        • “What the fuck is a simulation game?” -Mr. Black Hole
          • Who has been polishing the exact same glass for ten episodes now.
    • So, Facepalm plan involves spreading dissent in this superhuman society or whatever. Considering a lingering 20% of it is normies, who are at this point literal lesser beings compared to their superhuman counterparts, it’s amazing the society is intact to begin with.
      • Like, Deku’s non-Quirk life up until now suuuucked, and that was just high-school bullshit. I can only imagine how miserable life is for those adults who don’t have superpowers.
      • I don’t think anyone’s gonna listen to a guy with a hand in his face, though. It’d be really awkward.
      • His plan also involves the “Vanguard Action Squad of the League of Villains.”
        • Whose assignment is to….attack a bunch of random teenagers.
          • And this fits into the above Keikaku…how?
    • “It doesn’t matter if they succeed or fail.” -Facepalm
      • Um, dude? Yes, it does.
        • For example, if they fail absolutely miserably, then these kids won’t be scared of them.
          • Maybe you should consult the Heart of the Cards again.
    • Wait wait wait, why does Facepalm have a random picture of Bakugo?
      • I’m not sure what subtext I should infer from this.
    • “In a society bound by rules, we’re not the only ones being oppressed.” -Facepalm
      • lolwat?
        • That makes no sense.
          • Are you implying Bakugo is being oppressed? I’m pretty sure he’s as privileged a shithead as they come.
      • Except for Facepalm.
        • And Mr. Blackhole.
          • And, like, all the villains.
            • And half the heroes.
              • Hmm.
    • Deku protests he’s fine right after almost passing out on his feet with blood pouring down his face.
      • Deku might be mistaken.
    • Don’t worry, Deku. The obligatory Shounen power-ups will take care of this situation juuuuuuuuuuust fine.
    • “I’ll leave this villain here for now.” -Deku, a moron
    • How incredibly convenient Kota’s Quirk is exactly what they need to deal with a forest fire.
      • Later Kota will grow up to be a mobile fire-hose or pressure-washer.
        • He’ll die poor and forgotten.
    • Now we cut back to Eraser and this random asshole.
      • “Dabi.” Thanks, anime.
        • “This is about as much damage as I can take.” -Dabi, in case you forgot in the past second. Which I almost did.
          • So…you suck?
              • BRILLIANT DEDUCTION, ME.
    • Is that Deadpool?
      • His name is “Twice.”
        • …………..
          • Is he bi? Is that his quirk? He can change his sexual orientation at will?
            • I assume there’s a better reason that’s his name.
              • Foolishly.
          • Oh, I guess he has two personalities.
            • …I was very wrong.
    • Wait wait wait, Eraser ran maybe 20 meters and he runs into Deku. So how did nobody hear or see his fight between him and Muscles, let alone help him?
    • Gotta say, these fights aren’t particularly exciting.
      • The Cat-Drag-Queen makes up for a bit, though.
        • “Cat Combat,” ha. You silly Asians and your Engrish.
    • Oh look, it’s Shredder.
      • Correction: a legally distinct Ninja Turtles Reference.
      • How much did they pay off Continuity this time?
    • Dabi is lamer than lame. I can’t even begin to care.
    • So, uh, exactly why do these kids whose profession is mortal combat need verbal permission to engage in mortal combat?
      • I’m pretty sure any court would understand the situation.
        • Also seems like something UA wouldn’t ever worry about.
          • But no, gotta manufacture tension somehow.
    • Good God, Kota. How dumb are you?
      • Sure, you’re a shithead kid, but it’s still pretty baffling how you just can’t wrap your head around the concept of a hero.
        • Oh hey, my commemorative Anvil from Anime Moralizing Inc. just came in the mail. What great timing.
              • DO YOU GET IT?
                • NO? MORE HAMMER TIME THEN.
    • Eraser, given how overpowered your Quirk is, you have about ten million things better to do than take eight hours to cover ground that Deku lept over in literally seconds.
    • Deku continues his habit of refusing to listen to the most basic advice.
        • Ha ha, double entendre.
          • Bakugo and Deku, sittin’ in a tree.
    • Oh look, these villains are incompetent and uncoordinated.
      • Facepalm’s Master “Plan” is going swimmingly.
      • …did a robot write that?
        • Also, who’s “Shigaraki”?
      • Catwoman punched that scene to death. You go, girl.
    • Now Bakugo’s being stupid. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
    • Generic-Eldritch-Man. Or whatever. I don’t care.
    • It’s a fucking wonder that Bakugo is even alive.
        • HA HA HA HA.
            • THIS IS GREAT.
    • Oh yes, Todoroki, you A-list anime protagonists should be sooooooooooooooooo worried about a little forest fire. It’s not like you can leap skyscrapers in a single bound or anything.
    • Hey, uh, Todoroki. Since you both have combustion powers, why not just create an explosion that clears the area and disperses the gas?
      • Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
    • “I’m not stupid!” -some dumbass whose name I can’t remember
      • Boy, it would be nice if there were a caption to oh there it is.
    • Wait, Spinner and Big-Lips are up again? They both took blows to the fucking face.  What.
      • Ugggh.
        • The pacing in this arc is shitty so far.
    • Um, no. You run *away* from the epicenter of the gas, kids.
    • Woman. Might want to do something about Colonel Mustard here.
      • Also, this is why you don’t run toward the danger.
        • Now she’s lecturing this random asshole about using a gun like a smart person.
          • Well, that’s over. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
    • Yay, Falco’s back. Hooray!
      • Oh.
        • Oh.
          • Welp, they’re fucked.

What Comes

So Pakistan hit 50 Celsius on April 30.

It’s become something of a ritual for me to try to remind people around me that the world we know is fast coming to an end. Temperatures here in Germany have been well above average since spring came along, touching near 30 at one point over the past month. For sobering context, the average high in my area of Germany is 25 in July. Already we’re pushing past the temperature norms that have informed civilization for all its existence up to this point. There is far worse ahead. We’re in uncharted territory now, making history up as we go along.

Cherish those winters, children. They aren’t long for this world.

The Weight of Nerddom

I saw a Facebook Memory today that I haven’t been able to retrieve since losing it amidst the chaotic flow of algorithms, but to sum it up, it was about Star Wars, as is appropriate for May 4th. More precisely, it concerned my belief that Star Wars is a middling sci-fi franchise that made its contributions to culture thirty years ago and has offered little of substance or worth since. This spawned some rather productive conversations among my friends on not just the Star Wars franchise, but what it means to be a “nerd”. I took the tack that nerddom, as a whole, has been compromised by its success on the larger cultural stage, that it has by and large prostituted itself before general society in exchange for money, fame, power, and influence. In my view, that takes it out of the sphere of nerddom altogether. Others disagreed. Two years later, I still hold to this view with an even tighter grip, Infinity War creeping overhead.

I say this not to be some sort of cruel gatekeeper in the vein of Ready Player One‘s malefic, mediocre protagonist, but as a sort of gadfly to remind people of what the original conceit of nerddom was and how it has morphed over time. Nerddom has always carried with it a connotation of uncompromising confidence, a kind of shameless zeal towards a certain topic or topics that both commends and damns itself. From my view, a nerd is someone who loves things such as comic books and Star Wars in a passionate way regardless of the social consequences, although not in a way that excessively harms oneself or others, of course. One can be a nerd for just about anything, but the idea is that you’re willing to put up with the philistine fists of an ignorant bully for the sake of something you love, or perhaps mockery, shame, exclusion, etc., because the thing you care about is more important.

It’s been a recurring gripe of mine towards nerd culture in the past decade as it has ascended the heights of capitalism and reaped the rewards of longsuffering. Nerds are the hot demographic now, all their formerly embarrassing passions the very object of the System’s desire. Nerd culture is everyone, embedded in everything. I can’t go a literal three seconds without some sort of post or allusion to the MCU, Star Wars, or D&D. This, in itself, is not a bad thing, but it reflects a colossal change in the power dynamic that has governed this subculture until now. It follows that its nature would shift to respond to it.

I don’t see that shift as a good thing–certainly not a net positive. I heed some of Tolkien’s words: Reward on earth is more dangerous than punishment. It’s a good thing that nerds aren’t shoved into lockers as much for carrying around Marvel comics, that cosplayers have a safe, welcoming space to practice their careful art, that Star Wars is the thing that the host casually referenced on the local American radio station without any sort of stigma. In the grand scheme of things, though, these aren’t exactly fantastic achievements either. They come with some heavy costs, most of which are invisible or intangible. Nerd culture is starting to demonstrate more and more, well, excess than anything else. It’s becoming less and less comfortable for me to outright associate with it in a proud way. I hover more on the fringes, enjoying things as I can in as healthy a way I can manage, a balancing act that grows more difficult with time. It welcomes more, but feels less welcoming deeper down.

As an example, I go to Blizzcon every year to visit my guildmates who helped me through a lot of bad times, whose company I cherish and enjoy, but the con itself is just an excuse to plan that gathering. In my little group, we’re more like to make fun of those around us, to keep our interests within measured confines, to raise our eyebrows at the next new “epic” announcement from a giant corporation that likes money and spare no insult against those who bend the knee. Each Blizzcon for the past five years now, things get a little more whacky, the convention offerings get a little more shameful, dragging Whil Wheaton onto the stage to embarrass himself with bad comedy that drags on forever. Probably the most enjoyable event for us is the cosplay contest, but only the cosplay is fun and interesting. Everything else around it–the announcer, the judges, the way attendees behave–is a terrible joke that we all hate and love to hate on. We could never say that in public though, hashing this out while waiting in line to test out the latest build of Overwatch. People would not approve. We have to do it in the comfort of our own house, in our own little safe space away from the larger safe space.

Nerd culture has always danced with that particular flame of gluttony. Now the chains are weaker, allowing people to act out more freely. Their criteria for approval is less sheer knowledge and more a check for a certain kind of psychology and attitude. The MCU gets most of my public ire these days, mostly because it’s an easy target that keeps shoving itself into my field of view. It’s a simple fact of taste and a competent critical eye that Marvel movies are bad. They don’t suck, but they aren’t good. They’re passable action movies at best, easily forgettable in their prime form. That’s not the coverage or opinion you see in most media, though. The demographic must be appeased, lest nobody answer the journalist’s calls next time around. There’s an ironic, yet natural element of bullying to all this. Since they’ve had a taste of popularity and power, nerds (those in their lucky fiefs, that is) are less willing to tolerate someone just saying that. The New Yorker got crucified for pointing out Infinity War is weak, baffling without the heavy context of twenty other mediocre movies. It’s not like that’s an outlandish take on the matter. That’s exactly what IW was hyped as: come see this movie to see all your favorite Marvel superheroes IN ONE MOVIE!!!!!! What’s followed is a shameless offensive of mendacity that involves everyone pretending IW’s highly predictable cliffhanger (not ending) is something worth an ounce of thought. Point that out and, well, I guess you’re an asshole who hates nerds or just wants to yell. Ten or twenty years ago, that offensive might’ve proven less effective.

Look, nerds. I think it’s a bit wise to step back and wonder how you’re coming across. That’s healthy advice in real life; it’s healthy advice here too. At the moment we live in a happy bubble of success and spotlight, but these halcyon days will pass, in one form or another, and then we’ll have to live with the choices we’ve made as a subculture. Stranger Things Season 2 wasn’t as good as the first one. That will continue. As it is right now, I don’t like the choices we’re making. I don’t like that we’re treading a worn path of indulgence. I don’t like that we’ve become more willing to censor those who don’t fall in line. I don’t see nerddom as something to be proud of if it isn’t somehow brave. It’s not brave to like Infinity War or The Last Jedi. It’s not brave to dislike them either. It’s brave to think about them, to wonder what real value they have and what your passion is worth to you, and finally to follow those conclusions wherever they lead. It’s brave to love something, but knowing how to let it go when it starts to hurt you, no matter how much it stings.

May the 4th be with you.

Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 6

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together, stream-of-consciousness style.

Code Geass’ viewer demographic.

Episode VI – Porn is the Mindkiller

  • Is this Japan? Is this the Land of the Rising Sun? Looks way too Greek to me, not that the writers would know.
  • Damn, that poor attendant had to walk, like, six zillion miles just to tell the Emperor one line of dialog.
    • “I survived another workout that could’ve been an email.”
      • Someone make a t-shirt of it.
  • “I was just talking to Clovis right now.” -The Emperor
    • “Holy shit, my boss might be crazy.” -This random-ass attendant.
      • Also, how can he see in that thing? It’s the least functional uniform ever.
  • “The Stolen Mask.”
    • Shit, this is the filler episode, isn’t it?
      • Must. Find. Morphine.
  • The insignificant students of the Palace of the Ashfords spend their three seconds of screentime asking insignificant yet highly salient questions.
    • What an apt metaphor for human existence.
  • “Even so, he seems kinda suspicious, doesn’t he?” -This random-ass student
    • Why? There are least half a dozen guys with the same basic features as MSGT, plus he’s wearing a carbon copy of your outfit. How does he seem suspicious? Is his laptop a Mooglebook?
  • They think MSGT [Suzaku] might be a terrorist. They’re awfully calm for considering such a brazen thing.
  • “Even the school can confirm that [Suzaku isn’t a terrorist].” -This other random-ass student
    • Gee, man, I dunno. I think only about three people on this planet have brains. None of them are in this room.
      • Remember: this is the Empire that put Jeremiah Gottwald in military command of an entire colony of 120 million people. Your faith may be misplaced.
  • God, this entire scene is a bunch of lazy one-liners that repeat the same goddamn information over and over.
      • Nina Einstein continues her meteoric rise into the ranks of “Worst Human Beings Who Have Ever Lived.”
  • Shirley suggests the radical idea that they treat MSGT like a human being.
    • Bitch is gonna die.
  • Lelouch learned his spy tradecraft from Sesame Street.
    • Gee, I hope no one was watching Lelouch as he left, especially the three other students that were two feet away from him in the frame.
      • I also hope no one was watching MSGT’s reaction to him.
  • And nobody follows the extremely suspicious couple up to the roof.
    • I refuse to believe they had such a specific sign for a specific thing when they were bratty children.
  • Why did he just say “capsule”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “capsule,” “container,” or anything of the sort?
    • Hmm, I guess not. English’s domination of all things in this world is getting kinda crazy.
  • Oh yeah, the girl. Whom Lelouch completely forgot about. Because the writers completely forgot about her. Lelouch did not move her or tend to her whatsoever. He just took off in Villetta’s retarded war-machine and left ALL the women behind. Where they belong.
    • Including you, MSGT, but please, continue telling us how you’re repaying Lelouche for his wonderful kindness.
      • Lelouch lies through his teeth. Again.
  • This highly suspicious scenario with a billion elements left totally unexplained will now be ignored. Again.
  • Wait, when did Lelouch get the chance to fake his own death? How did that happen? When?
    • Yeah, *nobody* in the entire Holy Britannia(n) Empire would wonder why a student using his mother’s name and who’s around the age of the supposedly deceased Lelouch vi Britannia shows up randomly under the protection of the Ashford family, a long-time ally of Lelouch’s mother. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
      • See what I mean, random-ass student? Your question was pointless. As were you.
        • By the way, do you know what a bee is? I’m conducting a poll.
  • Lelouch questions why MSGT has made a number of incredibly poor decisions. Lelouch, a “brilliant” tactician and strategist, does not learn from his mistakes.
  • Lol. So for no reason whatsoever, the writers retcon the events of the very last episode and heavily imply that Euphemia intervened on MSGT’s behalf. Except that MSGT’s court-martial had already been cancelled, all charges dismissed, and MSGT released before he even met Euphemia. It was precisely that chain of events that led to his meeting Euphemia.
    • I don’t. Even. What.
      • These writers can’t even keep track of what happened two hours ago. Are they all alcoholics?
  • Oh look, there’s a picture of Lelouch right there in the fucking Royal Palace. But no one has seen him before or recognizes him.
    • I wonder if Euphemia knows what a bee is.
  • Great job, Lelouch. You murdered a prolific and talented artist in cold blood because revenge and reasons and stuff.
    • And not because he was a wanna-be mass murderer. You didn’t give two shits about that.
      • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Euphemia touches the extremely priceless painting, the last mementos of her dead brother, because that’s exactly what you want to do to such fragile material: smudge your oily human fingers all over it.
    • Sigh. No one cares about art anymore.
  • For the purposes of propaganda, Euphemia will never be told that her “gentle” brother tried to massacre forty million people shortly before he died.
    • Euphemia is a terrible judge of character. Just like every other female character on this show. Because women, and women have no brains. Science says so.
  • Switch to random military situation room, providing us a blindingly useless layout of a battlefield that conveys no tactically relevant information whatsoever.
    • This show dragged Sloth from the depths of Hades and made love to its sweet face in an orgy that will never be surpassed again.
  • The Britannimerican commander pauses to give a speech about information that everyone in the room already knows.
    • Behold the caliber of the Imperial War Machine, conqueror of nations.
  • These guerrillas suck. Whoever they are.
    • Like, they install their gun turrets on flat, exposed concrete slabs on a hillside instead of just burying them into the hillside where the earth would protect them.
      • Let me guess: the animators didn’t want to bother drawing anything more complicated.
  • Um, how did anybody not know the guerrillas were there? That is the most conspicuous hideout I’ve ever seen.
    • It looks like a goddamn anthill.
      • “I say, Earnest, I wonder why that hill has all those guns on it.”
      • “I couldn’t hazard a guess, Elliot. Would you like some cheese with your wine?”
  • These idiots keep acting like Knightmares were invented today at 1300 hours.
    • I will remind you there have been six previous generations of them.
  • Does Cornelia seriously have nothing better to do than run around mopping up hideouts that a two-year-old could spot? Is the Britannimerican military that helpless without its named characters?
    • Yes.
  • That was a complete waste of time, fuel, resources, and ammunition. The tanks would’ve just blown up the fortifications anyway.
    • What a spectacular advancement of human technology. War will never be the same.
  • Somehow, in this universe, melee beats ranged.
    • Hey, Riot. I think your balance team might be interested in this.
  • Those bullets did not miss Cornelia. The animators just didn’t want to animate explosions. One-sided battles are soooooooooooooooo exciting.
    • Are you excited yet? If not, go kill yourself.
  • Cornelia charges alone into a guerrilla labyrinth and dismisses any offer of backup when she has no idea how many enemies are inside, what equipment they have, or what kind of traps or defenses they might have prepared ahead of time.
    • This massive mountain apparently holds a small room filled with…railroads?
      • Huh?
  • Cornelia then looks around for literally two seconds and concludes “Zero must not be here.” Indubitably, Mrs. Holmes.
    • I honestly cannot be surprised anymore by how lazy these writers can get.
  • Cornelia casually says that killing them one-by-one wouldn’t accomplish anything, then proceeds to kill them all one-by-one.
    • Filler level: Code Geass.
  • Lelouch was just sitting here in this empty dining room waiting for Nunnally to show up with Sayoko. It’s almost like he read a script or something.
  • Nunnally can identify who MSGT is by feeling the texture of his hand, but can’t suspect some random woman who steals into her house in the middle of the knight and eats her food.
  • “You’ll stay the night here, won’t you, Suzaku?” -Nunnally vi Britannia
    • “Yes, in Lelouch’s room.”
    • “Oh. That must be nice.”
    • “Uh, yeah. Very.” *wink*
      • I’m bored. Sue me.
  • Sayoko is one hell of a maid. She prepared that spread in three seconds. Ninjas OP.
  • Nunnally vi Britannia is the 340982790847098573098547087th person to ask MSGT why the fuck he’s still in the Britannimerican military.
  • MSGT lies through his teeth. Again.
    • Lelouch is not fooled, considering he knows the status of MSGT’s addled nervous system.
      • Man, Nunnally, you haven’t even had your first period and your whole life is one pernicious lie. Someone’s future therapist is a rich man.
  • “You’ve really mellowed since then.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Somehow it hard to picture MSGT as some precocious asshole. I think he was probably just a slightly less stupid kid than he is now.
    • “And you’ve gotten a lot rougher.” – MSGT
      • *wink*
  • Gee, I do hope the superhumanly endowed MSGT can’t hear this incredibly sensitive conversation between Lelouch and C.C. going on in the room next to him, the room that isn’t even separated by a door.
  • BA HA HA HA. Lelouch asserts he has friends.
    • Silly anime protagonist. Nobody likes you.
  • Jesus H. Christ, Jeremiah Gottwald has become an extra on a Saw film.
    • Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have less ridiculous restraining devices than white straight jackets bought from Serial Killers Limited?
      • Also, why is Jeremiah Gottwald so cleanly shaven? Do they shave it for him? I don’t think he can shave properly while his abdomen is being crushed by three leather belts.
        • Real answer: the animators went home at one o’clock in the afternoon.
  • Turns out, nobody likes Jeremiah Gottwald. How unexpected.
  • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald did allow the terrorists to escape in a series of behavior and events that could best be described as a “psychotic episode.” So either Jeremiah Gottwald should be talking to a therapist or they should be investigating why several of their high-level personnel have all had such bizarre episodes in a very short amount of time for no reason.
    • But that would require brains, which go for $20 billion each on the Britannimerican black market.
  • I’m sorry, Jeremiah Gottwald was not demoted three ranks, unless “margrave” is an actual rank in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire. If it is, they’re dumb and should feel very bad about themselves.
  • Wait, so, Jeremiah Gottwald has to either go back to being a pilot or…”cultivate an orange farm?” Is that a veiled threat of forced early retirement? Really? Why are you even allowing such an inimitable moron to remain in your ranks at all?
  • Yes, MSGT, you would be in bad shape if anyone searched Moogle and put two and two together and suspected the very obvious connection between you and Lelouch, but you should also have figured out by now that no one possesses the faculties to do that. So who the fuck cares.
  • I think maybe two people at the school know of Nunnally know of her very existence.
    • Which is the perfect environment for a traumatized adolescent girl to be in.
      • Wait, is Nunnally faking all this? Is she a violent sociopath just like everyone else? I sure fucking hope so, for her sake.
  • LELOUCH RAGES. It’s cute.
  • Gee, C.C, I hope nobody notices your brightly lit figure with your florescent green hair from that window. Certainly not any Britannimerican security personnel from the Capitol Building that’s down the fucking street.
  • Just to be clear, we have another scene in which every Britannimerican student reaffirms their undying racism.
  • Um, how did the Japanese guerrillas infiltrate the Palace of the Ashfords? Why? Did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere help them out?
  • Oh look, there’s a huge Japanese flag on the wall there. I wonder who these people could be. Really.
  • That asshole guerrilla group named themselves “Blood of the Samurai.” They should’ve named themselves “Lords of the Anthill.” Or something.
    • If they were your largest resistance group in central Japan, then your resistance isn’t long for this world, Ohgi.
  • This episode is SO BOOOOOOOORING.
    • They even keep playing the same goddamn music over and over and over again. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
  • Gee, Lelouch, I do hope the Holy Britannia(n) Empire isn’t monitoring your personal cellphone or the Internet.
  • Um. So….wait, those weren’t Japanese fighters–even though they looked exactly like some of them. They were just asshole students who defaced MSGT’s shirt. Oh.
    • Yeah, none of the Japanese viewers were able to read that. But good try, animators. Good try.
  • Nina and Nunnally have a scene together. Made extremely awkward by what a nightmarish psychological case study Nina is.
    • But she’s also the single most interesting character in this whole series precisely because the writers allow her to be a bad person, instead of glossing over her flaws like they do with everyone else.
      • MSGT and Lelouch could have have sex in Nunnally’s bedroom after slaughtering a small village, but the writers would still find some way to spin it in their favor.
  • Mama loves Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut. Mama loves Pizza Hut and dat check.
  • Geez, I hope nobody notices the very conspicuous C.C. answer the fucking front door.
  • Lelouch shows off his brilliance by storing all the incriminating evidence about his alternate ego in his bedroom.
    • But he painstakingly points this out to the viewer, who is apparently too dumb to draw this conclusion on their own.
  • Did that scene seriously just happen?
    • So, the cat teleported all the way over to the mask, opened it in 0.5 seconds, fished out the mask, then left the room with it in 0.3 seconds, all without making any sound or C.C., a magical immortal witch who’s been alive for hundreds of years, noticing any of this?
      • Lazy fucks.
        • And that is one badass cat.
  • Either Lelouch never changes his clothes or he has ten copies of that one uniform. Either way, this is retarded.
  • Lelouch has a heart attack because something is finally happening in this shitfest of an episode.
    • Lelouch is also baffled by how leaving such horrifically incriminating evidence lying around unsecured is leading to disaster.
  • C.C., act a little more concerned about your entire plan and identity being exposed.
    • Or you can just keep being an unlikable robot. Because you’re a woman, and women do not have personalities. Science says so.
  • They’re going to keep this music on loop, aren’t they? I’m gonna go blow my brains out. Be right back.
  • Wait, how did Nunnally know it was a cat that took something? The cat did not meow there. She couldn’t see the cat. So…
    • I don’t even. Fuck this shit.
  • “What could be so important to Lelouch?” -Rivalz
    • “A love letter?” -Nina Einstein
      • (Porn.)
    • “An embarrassing photo?” -Milly Ashford
      • (Definitely porn.)
        • Also, don’t be a dumbass, Milly. Photos aren’t physical media. Who does that.
    • “A poetry notebook!” -Rivalz
  • Milly Ashford actually enlists the resources of the entire school, which is busily educating the next generation of world leaders, into hunting down what is likely a porn stash. All for her personal amusement.
    • Is this satire now? Is this a subtle commentary on conspicuous consumption or something?
  • Lelouch actually considers enlisting the resources of a Japanese terrorist group to fix a mess that someone of his supposed intellectual caliber would’ve never allowed to happen in the first place.
  • Wait, how did the cat get up to the roof in five seconds? No cat moves that fast, certainly not one blind and confused as fuck. Not to mention it has an injured paw.
    • Maybe the cat knows what a bee is.
  • The cat lands on the injured paw from two stories up. Now, I know cats can fall from relatively high places without injury, but not when it’s limping.
  • LOL, that one Britannimerican asshole is just staring at the wall.
      • He’s staring at the grey wall for no reason. There’s not even a picture there for him to stare at it. He’s just stoned out of his gourd.
        • The purpose of his entire existence is to stand in that pose so that he doesn’t see the cat. He’s less important than an ant.
          • GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
    • So in the above scene, the cat proceeds to walk down to the left while a conversation is being heard. Then somehow the scene shifts to an ENTIRELY NEW HALLWAY that looks NOTHING LIKE the one you see above as the conversation finishes. The entrance and those students frozen in time all vanish and we see two other assholes. This all happens in the space of four seconds.
      • Photographic evidence of alien teleportation:
      • And it suddenly has golden wall fringes between the windows.
        • These animators suck balls.
  • Lelouch haphazardly uses his magical mind-screwing power on those two girls while shouting. I do hope the three other students standing two feet away didn’t hear or see any of that.
    • Nah, they’re staring into space and tripping on some fancy schmancy weed.
  • “Capture the cat which is running loose on campus!” -Milly Ashford
    • This campus is the size of a small city and filled with greenspace. There could be a dozen or two cats running around it. Be more specific, woman.
  • Yes, this seems like a totally reasonable way of not only suspending scholastic activities, but also DOLING OUT BUDGETARY FAVORS.
      • Britannimericans sure learn early.
  • Oh. So the grand prize is a kiss from a member of the student council. Okay.
    • Who cares?
      • Are you implying the school gives a shit about the nerds on the council?
        • Let’s consider the students’ options here. We have:
          • Milly Ashford, because men are perverts.
          • Shirley, because men are perverts.
          • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, because men are perverts.
          • Lelouch Lamperouge, because women totally like emasculated closeted gay men.
          • Nina Einstein, because lesbians.
          • Rivalz. ………no.
      • Upon review, we have concluded that this is actually a very devious, inclusive, and effective motivational scheme. We salute you, Milly Ashford.
  • Literally two dozen men apparate into the bushes surrounding Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, implying literally two dozen men are stalking her at all times on campus.
    • This seems like an absurdly low number.
  • Random Britannimerican football team. Because the very unique sport of American football developed in this universe. Not soccer. Yeah.
    • Fuck you.
  • This is actually the most entertaining the show has been so far. They’re certainly making up for the useless first half.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere reaffirms her undying racism.
  • Now Nunnally suddenly has super-accurate hearing for the convenience of the plot, even though she couldn’t sense her brother dragging a mysterious woman into his room.
    • Fuck you.
  • Cecile has no situational awareness whatsoever.
  • Lloyd gripes about how a school does not want a giant weapon of war parked anywhere near it.
  • Why is Rivalz even allowed to drive his motorcycle on campus?
  • Oh. So the two female leads somehow corner the cat after changing in a frantic hurry and nobody else finds it. Right. Sure.
    • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Shirley is distracted by lesbian fantasies. Christ, woman, focus for five seconds.
  • Lelouch should be dead after running so much.
  • Awww yeah, Nina knows what’s going on. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
  • The racists are still stunned after MSGT saved someone’s life in front of their eyes. Wow.
    • But no one else does. Sigh.
  • Lelouch reveals incredibly sensitive information that he has no reason to reveal at all.
  • Nina Einstein reaffirms her undying racism.
  • And now Lelouch is putting MSGT on the council because fuck it he’s his gay lover.
  • “How can I refuse a request from the vice-president?” -Milly Ashford
    • Uh, it’s literally your job, president.
  • Oh, yeah, Nunnally’s on the council too.
    • ….I take back what I said about Milly’s promise to the school. That’s disgusting.
  • Rivalz the Student Council Member once again proposes underage drinking in front of a hundred other students.
    • I also take back what I said about Rivalz. This dude must get laid every day.
  • Prince Clovis’ state funeral is surprisingly austere and lacking Jeremiah Gottwald’s decapitated head.
    • Also, nobody gives two fucks.
  • That is one fucking huge portrait of Prince Clovis. It is three stories tall.
    • Seriously, it is three stories tall.
  • Sweeping shots of the Britannimerican Royal Family, exactly two of which we will see again.
  • The Emperor professes his undying Social Darwinism.
    • He then defends this via weak stereotypes and baseless assertions.
  • Kotomine Kirei is the only Britannimerican in the entire Empire who isn’t giving this bullshit the time of day.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still alive and serving the Britannimerican military because pixies.
  • Lloyd says something cute. Awww.
  • I’m pretty sure the other superpowers of the world are also moving forward, Emperor Fatshanks.
    • That is his name now.
  • Clovis’ death served zero evolutionary purpose. His Royal Genocide did not have to die had anyone been paying the slightest bit of attention.
  • Emperor Fatshanks preaches about stealing, competing, acquiring, and dominating things, ignoring how any effective nation relies on people not doing that to a certain degree.
    • Most inspiring slogan evah.
  • Don’t worry, everyone. MSGT will reform this system from within. He can do it.
    • (Ten bucks on Emperor Fatshanks.)